Mary and Martha

Dear Readers,

I'm sorry I've been gone for so long. It's been over a year now. A lot has happened. I spent a year trying to do things my way, and God spent a year messing it up (in the best possible way, though it took some time and distance to see that). Over the past few weeks I've had ample time to think over the past year and just listen. I've spent a year being Martha, and it was finally time to be Mary. This is the story of me, Mary, and Martha. And so we go...

       After the last post I retreated deep within myself. God was there, pulling me out, and things went good for a time. Fall semester hit and I fell into a habit of studies, friends, work, and extracurriculars. I was doing lots of things FOR God, but not really listening much to what He had to say. And I was pouring way too much into friendships that I should have been bringing to Him. 

        Winter rolled by and He opened up some old wounds to try and bring us closer. It worked for a bit. I let down my walls. Released my death grip on my life and let Him work. ... And then life hit once again, and the walls came back up. I ran back to the friendships, the classes, the work. I found that the tighter I held, the more things came apart. I damaged friendships and relationships. I cared less about my classes. The things that I used to do for fun were now chores that had to be checked off. When people asked how I was doing I said "Fine." Granted my Grandmother passed away in there as well, but I didn't necessarily handle that the best. 

       Anyways by the end of the semester I was drained. I was battling angst against old wounds, broken friendships, misunderstandings with roommates, and so many other things I was ready to be done and go home. I talked to several friends about all of it, over and over again. But try as I might I couldn't turn to God. I had lost my heart and until I found it I couldn't bring myself to return.

       I was trying. I was trying so hard. I was fighting to do the right thing: in my struggles with sin; in my relationships, in friendships, with roommates, in school, etc. I was trying. I noticed that THAT was the phrase I told myself, friends, God, more than anything else. "I'm trying God. I'm trying," I would cry out at night. I've found that the phrase I tell myself most often tells me more about myself than I can see on the surface (more on that another time). But no matter how hard I tried, nothing changed. 

       So finally, when I got home from school, I gave up. Not in the "Screw God and them too" kind of way. I'd tried that before for a week or two and it just didn't work. More like total surrender. I was finally worn down enough to, without quite realizing it, let down my walls. "Here, take it," I seemed to say in my heart, not really knowing that's what I was doing. I started talking to Him again, not just listing problems but having conversations like we used to. And the more I let go of "trying", the more Me I felt. After a week retreat of sorts with some friends in the mountains of Arkansas, I realized I hadn't been trying for a while, and it felt so much better. 

       And that's when  I finally got it. I spent the past year trying. I was trying to be the perfect man. Trying to be the perfect student, perfect friend, perfect everything. But that's not what God was asking. I was trying to be what I THOUGHT God wanted me to be. I was trying so hard. And in all my trying my hands were closed. I was grasping at all I thought I needed to be, and left no room for God to be God. I didn't listen.

       God didn't want me to try. Not like that. He wanted me to listen. He wanted me to receive. A wise priest friend of mine once told me that we don't get to grasp at our identity. We become who we are meant to be when we are open enough to receive it from God. In all of my trying I had stopped listening. And once I listened I found peace.

       Dear Readers, I think far too often we are so focused on trying we miss the heart. I spent a year being Martha when He wanted me to be Mary. We take ourselves far too seriously. All of these worries, all of this bitterness, I let all of it cloud my heart and drag me down. That's not what He wanted. He wanted me to live simply in the joy of knowing Him. I missed out on so much because I couldn't let go of MY idea of who I was meant to be. I was trying. But I wasn't getting anywhere.

       “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, 42 but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” Luke 10:41-42

    I think we get so caught up in being Martha that we forget it was Mary that Jesus commended. Mary didn't DO anything. She sat and she received. Once I let go of my trying, I was open to being who I was always mean to be. Now when I find myself slipping up and saying "I'm trying" I stop myself. "Here I am Lord. I'm listening." 

       And you know what? In the silence I found Me again. Or rather He showed me who I always was. Stop trying to be who you think you need to be, and receive who you already are. Sit at His feet. He's waiting.

-------

I am so sorry I took a year off. It took me a while to learn the lessons God wanted me to learn. For better or worse, it's what happened. Now I'm ready to choose the better part. I might/will have to make that decision many more times in life, and that's ok. As long as I'm ready to listen.

I have a feeling this blog will look a little different from now on. And that's ok. I'll keep listening. I know who I am now. I am His. And so are you.

Love you all, and praying,

~Wanted, Needed, Loved, His~