(https://facilitatingfulfillment.files.wordpress.com/2014/12/love-death.jpg?w=500&h=264&crop=1)
What I imagine Heaven must be like.
Howdy everyone! I know it's been a while. I haven't forgotten about my series. We still have 2 parts to go, don't worry. I'd say I'd write more often, but life is unpredictable, so who knows what might happen.
But something did happen this week - something that spurred me to write again. My grandfather passed away this past Friday. And while it hurts like nothing else, it has given me a lot of time to think, and a lot to write about.
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Grief, Death, and Dying
It's memorial day and I'm having a blast. I'm bowling with my family and one of my best friends, and suddenly something changes. My dad gets a message, and I know something has happened. We go home and have a nice night, but then my parents call a family meeting after our friend leaves. I knew it was nothing good because the only other time we've had them is when someone in the family gets REALLY sick. And this time it was my grandfather. First I reacted by thinking of logistics, etc. I let the rest of my family get emotional, but I stayed strong. They needed me. But I was really hurting.I poured the fear of losing him, and the grief I felt into my tasks. I'd do the dishes, walk the dogs, etc. with such determined stiffness that I wouldn't have to think about it. But it came out in the middle of the night with nightmares and that biting edge of hurt. I knew I would never see him again. And instead of facing it and turning to God, I did nothing. I got others praying - over a hundred different people, priests, Masses offered for him, confession, daily mass, etc. etc.. But I was just sort of going through the motions, I had gone numb. But then it was time to go back to school for the summer, so I didn't have to worry anymore. My dad got home from seeing him. Grandpa was looking better. I thought everything would be ok.
And then I woke up to a missed call and a text from my dad saying call me on Friday morning, and knew it could only be one thing. I went about my day like normal. It wasn't really real to me. It's still sinking in really. I went home to help my family go to the funeral while I stayed behind at school. And then I drove back home. Alone. My best friend was in another country so I couldn't talk to him. And I had a test to study for. But again I let all of that sit aside while I focused on work and school. Get up. Go to school. Go to work. Work out. Go to sleep. Repeat. But grief shouldn't be ignored or forced away. It is a wall of fire that has to be passed through in order to move forward.
This whole time I wasn't turning to God. It's not that I was mad at him or anything. I was just kind of numb to the whole thing. I hadn't really prayed since I got the news Grandpa was sick. It was like a wall was set up, of glass. I could see through, I just didn't have the motivation to find a way. And then today my priest gave me a really good piece of advice. (I hope he doesn't mind that I quote him!)
He said that grief is like dark matter. It's always out there. But when something tragic happens we open a hole in ourselves to let it in. Grieving is how we let it back out. There is no right way to grieve. Believing there is is probably the only wrong way to go about it. Just find a way that works for you to let it out.
I've realized a lot of things through this process, and I know I'm nowhere near done. The first is that God is my friend in all of this. He grieved too. The shortest verse in the bible is "Jesus wept" (John 11:35). He did it when he found out his best friend was dead. He cried and he hurt. I'm sure he did when Joseph died too. Jesus loved and Jesus lost just like one of us. So when we grieve we should turn to him. He's not going to take it away necessarily. If he grieved then we are going to have to as well. But he does understand. He can hold our hand and tell us it will all be ok. He can walk with us. He can listen to our cries and be a shoulder for our tears. I didn't run to God, but He wanted me to. And I am now. I didn't want to be weak, but it's not weak to cry. It's not weak to let myself be upset. It's a sign that I really cared and I really loved my grandfather. And Jesus is going to walk beside me with each and every painful step.
I was really upset that I would never get to say goodbye. But my dad is so profound. He always knows what to say to calm me down. He said to me that funerals are for the living. My grandfather was already gone, and I could talk to him whenever, and he was right. I might never see his body again in this life, but that's not what matters. I can talk to him whenever I want now. Our loved ones are never really gone. They're with us always, whenever we need them. Yes it's cheesy, but it's true. I know my grandfather's watching even as I write this. And that brings me great joy.
I was afraid to let myself grieve because I knew I should be happy. My grandfather is in heaven now. He's back with my grandma after ten years. And he's not in pain. And He's with God forever. So why should I be sad? We are sad when people die because every single death is a tragedy. Even God is sad at death. Death came with sin as Saint Paul tells us. We cry for what might have been. We cry because body and soul were never supposed to part. Death itself is always something to be sad about.
So in that sense I should grieve.
But then hope comes too.
Because while it was not supposed to happen, death is not the end; it doesn't win. Jesus came and died to defeat it. And now it has no power over us. Yes it can have the upper hand for a time, but in the end we will be reunited body and soul. My grandpa died, but he gets something so much better now. An eternity with our King. And then in the end, he'll get his body back, better than new.
So grieve, yes, but be joyful too. He is rejoicing in the banquet of the King. I once heard heaven described to me as a place where you smile at God and He smiles at you, and you never break eye contact again. You know your loved ones are there, you can sense them around you, but they are so present to you that you do not even need to look away to know they are there. You are in communion with them being loved by THE Lover. That's why I picked the picture above. "We just stay there, looking at each other, forever." What more could we want than to be eternally and perfectly loved?
So grief sucks, yes, but it is good. If you are grieving, let it happen, it's the only way it will get better. That wall of fire sucks, but then you are on the other side and better because of it. Let God walk with you through your grief. It is not weak to let Him in. It is not weak to be sad. It's love.
And then be at peace.
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Grandpa, I didn't know you as well as I wanted to. There are so many questions I never got to ask. There are so many things we never got to do. We don't have a lot of memories together that I can remember, but I cherish every single one. I love you very much. And I know you love me. I really really hate that you're gone. It hurts like nothing else. I wish I got to say goodbye. But you know what, I love you. I love you very much. And no one else knew it but every single night when my family prayed, I prayed for you too. Every single time I asked for God's blessing on my family, I prayed it for you too. And I know you love me too. I wish you weren't gone. I really really do. But God said it was time. And who am I to say otherwise? There are no words to describe my feelings of love towards you, but I know you know what I mean. Thank you. For everything.
Your Grandson,
Greg
